Okay I have been having issues with my T and I live in a rur

Okay I have been having issues with my T and I live in a rural area so would no matter who I saw. I have a hard time trusting him since he went into why did I think I was queer he said it nicer and didn't use the word but that's what it amounted to. I literally know no straight people that have ever been asked that and if a gay person had asked a straight person that we would be called recruiters and everything else in the book probably a law suit. He's not the first one but it's getting old at this point. I think of therapy as my one safe space in the world. My family had problems with my mom not kicking me out when I came out to her. I don't know his personal beliefs and don't care but he seems uncomfortable if I mention a girl is cute, etc. I don't go out of my way to mention it nor am I crass so I don't see his issues. The therapist before him did the same thing and what I don't get is in her private life she has quite a few GLBTQ+ friends she even knew what MCC was before I explained it to her because some "dear dear friends of mine that were gay went there" I know that a lot of people are scared off by this kind of behavior and some went to a glbt+ counseling center in the area and she retired so it closed down. It literally had rainbow in the title and almost all of the clients were gay. The area where I live within a few miles of me the region is 30% glbt+ but literally you get told when you are younger if you say you are gay that you haven't dated so you don't know but no one dares say that to straight kids in the area and they very well not be gay but at the very least this teenager is confused and needs a safe place to talk. I know from experience how painful that way she didn't even want to talk to me about the issue just sweep it under the rug. I have thought about leaving counseling but I have MDD, PTSD, panic attacks, etc. enough to where between that and physical health I am on disability. I don't know how to talk to him though about things that aren't okay to say. I honestly don't think he intends to be bigoted it's just hard for him. But even if I'm not dating and may never date my lesbianism and gender queerness is part of my identity and I have no where else that's safe literally. I have a rare form of Down's Syndrome called mosaic and one of the ways it affects me (individually because the disease varies widely) is I am one of the many people that has a hard time staying calm and hearing or using a soft tone so I easily lose control of my tone and can also get very angry. For example the T before him thought I was lying about things which pissed me off even before she lied to try and catch me in lies and then say that she was lying like it wasn't a big deal. One I have a hard time with anyone going against my name because my mom taught me that's the one thing you have in life so don't steal and don't lie and the only two things my mom could not handle were those two things ever since I can remember she said I can't stand thieves and liars please don't ever be one of those two things. I'm sorry I know this is all over the place but basically I would like to know how to talk to my T about this and tell him comments that are not okay to say. This area of sexuality and gender issues are new to him plus he's fairly young and I don't know but I think at least partly he's trying to understand things at least from my perspective. I know where I live most people including T's though are anti-gay and very religious and think all issues would be solved just by slapping ten commandments on the wall and bringing prayer back to school literally would be no more issue. I have friends that feel that way that don't think it's the cure-all but most people seem to think it's a cure all for all the evil of the world. A lot of people here think I'm going to the 6th degree of hell with the murderers and others because of my glbt issues because it's an "abomination" people literally marry their 15 year old cousins they got pregnant but queerness is just crossing the line too far I just don't get it. Anyway I literally don't know how to get him to see what offends and what doesn't I don't know if there's material he could look at to explain things, etc. To be fair he doesn't do things if he sees after 2 or 3 times that it has upset me. But I have also told him I will leave if he does certain things and he knows me well enough to know I mean what I say I would not be back. I don't know why it was so hard for him to understand that he crossed a line and no matter how hard I tried to explain to him that literally my whole family except my step dad who I never see anymore and my mom who died over 5 years ago. They even thought it was a sin but they didn't say stupid hurtful things either. I don't really know any resources to help him out. I really hope there becomes more counselors etc. to help the area out because most in the rainbow community stay closeted to their T or never mention it even if they are very stereotypically gay or else don't seek therapy at all because of knowing how the T's will treat them even in the better case scenarios. I really get sickened by the idea that we are up there with Chicago and LA as far as rainbow people per capita we were 3rd in line a few years ago I don't know if it has changed but I know that roughly 1/3 of us are part of the GLBTQ2++ community in some way but most of us are also closeted. I am sorry for such a long message but anything I could share with him to help would be hugely appreciated thanks everyone

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zen-man's picture
[2345]
May 16

I've found the blog at https://www.thegaytherapycenter.com/ to be quite helpful. They are more from a gay male perspective, but you might find some help there.

Sounds like you are around Atlanta...??? Not important, but I can get why you are having issues with your therapist. If you don't mind my asking, what are you going to therapy for?

However, asking probing questions about your personality, life, beliefs, etc are part of therapy. If you just want validation, you don't need a therapist.

Also, sometimes a therapist just isn't the right fit for you.

After my favorite therapist was reassigned to intake at her office, they stuck me with one I just didn't feel any rapport with. I then went to a therapist who is gay, hoping to find someone more attuned to my issues (40 years living in denial of my sexuality.) He kept focusing on how my fiancé was transgender because he likes to wear fake nails, and sometimes makeup and extensions. And when I tell him that my fiancé doesn't want to be a different gender says, "well, it's a spectrum." That's not why I was there, and not something I care about.

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[30]
May 16

I live near the tri-cities in TN and only have Medicare and Medicaid sadly not many take my insurance because of low pay. I like about 2-3 hours from Knoxville but not anywhere near that liberal in this area. But ty for your perspective and it's not that he probed so much as even after I told him it bugged me and why he still went there. I wasn't there for that issue as he well knows it's for a lot of other issues but not for that. So I don't understand sometimes it felt like he was an ex-gay recruiter or something although I'm sure that wasn't his intent because I knew him prior from an adult day program he used to be staff there. I do think that his particular brand of Christianity (free will baptist) may color his vision at times I get enough that everywhere else and my therapy once a month is my safe space if he wants me to feel safe he needs to back off. I was hoping to find some materials to explain to a straight man how a lesbian gender queer might feel attacked by some of the stuff. Unless you can find someone to take your specific Medicaid and especially in southwest VA where I live with the new system of a bunch of companies and you belong one group to another instead of just having Medicaid or not has made it a lot harder. A lot of doctors, therapists,etc are not accepting but one or two kinds right now. Part of this is because it was just implemented a few months ago but I know from living in TN that when they did this over 20 years ago that it made things a lot harder. Anyway thank you for your advice.I I just know that most queers in the area unless they have another avenue like online like you mentioned and self-pay. Most of them just don't even feel safe mentioning anything gay related or else they have been or are scared to talk about certain things. It's not that I want a yes-man so to speak I just want someone who can talk about things with an open mind. For example I mentioned my sister had the same background no one wonders what went "wrong" to make her straight. And there was a replay of this event 2-3 times and I even told him I would walk out and not be back. But now he walks on egg shells. I can't afford to self pay and it's hard to find an online therapist that takes medicaid esp. my aetna better health of VA just because less than a year ago they totally changed the system so with the exception of very few businesses like the clinic i go to that gets reimbursed by the gov't if your poor and is also pretty quick to be able to get all forms of Medicaid if not all almost immediately and even if your form of Medicaid won't pay since I am so low income many other programs would pay and I wouldn't have to pay a penny. Anyway thank you for your advice. I talked to someone else online as well and was given decent advice as to how to hopefully get him to understand what bothers me and why. I am there for PTSD, anxiety, etc. I rarely even mention my sexuality there or in real life and didn't want to feel attacked especially two or three times almost back to back as far as how many sessions it was and he records sessions and listens to them periodically so he should have known that it bothered me. But maybe I'm just being oversensitive and need to try and see it from his perspective. We all have flaws I don't expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to let me be me and leave his religion or whatever else that makes him prejudice at the door. I'm saying IF he's prejudice I would feel the same way if it was a queer therapist and they had there office filled with rainbow flags. That's just how I personally feel I know everyone feels differently. I will look at that link tyvm for your input.

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zen-man's picture
[2345]
May 16

You can use this site ( https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ ) to explore therapy options in your area... you can narrow it down by who takes Medicaid and medicare, as well as the issues you are dealing with.

Probably the best reaction you could have is to turn those statements or questions back on him.

"Do you really think that has anything to do with my PTSD and/or anxiety?"

Push back on why he thinks it's relevant.

Don't do it out of anger, you need to learn why he's bring it up before you can determine what his motives might be.

Also recognize that many people have anxiety because of their gender/sexual orientations, even when they deny it. There's nothing necessarily wrong with exploring that with him.

For instance, if that ever came up in therapy with me, I could state conclusively, that I've had the same physical, emotional, and romantic interest in both females, and males, since the ages of 10/11/12.

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