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what is best for leaving a narcissist? grey rock method or a

pepalotus's picture

what is best for leaving a narcissist? grey rock method or abrupt break up and no contact?

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pepalotus's picture
Oct 12

@NotInKSAnymore And he's behaving so sweetly now wtf......................... It makes me feel guilty to do it, I feel I'll break his heart and yet idek if he has one lol

Oct 12

@pepalotus I know that feeling REALLY well, too. It's just another tactic to control you. It's been my experience they move back and forth between aggression and guilt to keep you guessing. It's a more subtle form of gaslighting. If it's constantly changing, it's more difficult to identify and predict.

Oct 12

@pepalotus The best way to leave a relationship with a narcissist is a clean, clear break up immediately, if possible. If he becomes all sweet and sugary, it is to make you feel guilty so you'll change your mind -- because he doesn't want to lose a reliable source of supply (emotional reactions). That is ALL the narc cares about, and nothing else -- people are regarded as objects to use, abuse, and then discard when they're no longer satisfying his need for supply. If you decided to stay, I guarantee you that he'll go right back to the abusive treatment. The "sweet" behavior is only a manipulation to get you to stay, so he can continue to use and abuse you -- it's all LIES coming from the narc!... You said you're 19 -- I met my controlling, emotionally abusive, covertly narcissistic husband when I was 18. I was trapped in an abusive prison for 30 years!... Please don't make the same mistake -- get out now, go totally NC, block him from all means of contact, and don't look back!... You have no reason to feel guilty for anything -- as he has no feelings of guilt, remorse, or any empathy at all. I'd like to explain something regarding narcissistic behavior. Much of the time the behavior can be predicted if you know what to look for -- when it's not predictable is when and if something incites narcissistic injury. This happens when something is said that causes the narc to catch a glimpse of his detested, disconnected self through cracks in the flimsy false self, or mask he wears. It's much more likely to incite rage when you're interacting with the narc -- as you never know when an innocent remark will be perceived as an attack. That is why total NC is the best and safest way to leave a relationship. Letting him know you're leaving, or saying goodbye, tells him directly that he's losing a source of supply. But total NC, with no response, after awhile, sends the message that you are no longer an available source of supply. I think it's the safest and healthiest way to exit the relationship. It's very difficult for a normal thinking person to realize that leaving a narc is not like a break up in a normal relationship. With a narc, it's all one-sided -- only you have the feelings and emotions of loss, grief, sadness, guilt, heartache, and a need for closure. The narc experiences none of these feelings -- he feels only loss of control of supply, which causes fear of exposure. It's only about HIM, and how it affects HIM -- the other person is seen as an inanimate object. Regarding NC: you do not have to feel guilty, make excuses, or apologize for leaving -- as he has no feelings for the pain he's causing you. The only way to fully heal is to be truthful with yourself. NC means 100% NC -- if you leave any line of communication open, where he can contact you, that's referred to as "NO RESPONSE." This gives you the option of responding or not -- the danger in that, is you can easily be pulled back into the narcissistic vortex, and never really be able to get out of the relationship. It's easy to deceive, or self-sabotage yourself this way, unless you go totally and completely 100% NO CONTACT!...
I thought the following article might be helpful -- it's called, "The Self-Sabotaging Version Of The Gray Rock Method." It explains the different ways in which gray rock can be used -- when it should be used and when it shouldn't, depending on the situation:

"The Gray Rock Method has been used successfully in many cases of workplace narcissism and co-parenting with the disordered. However, these are two of the rare occasions when Gray Rock should be used. It should not be used in cases where shared custody is not an issue or the disordered partner doesn’t work with the victim, yet I see this happen periodically with clients and repeatedly on recovery forums. Below, I explain the basics of Gray Rock and how it is often used as a shoo-in for No Response.

Misapplications of Gray Rock and the Narcissistic Vortex

Implemented in its true form, Gray Rock enables you to communicate with the Narcissist without being sucked into the Narcissistic Vortex. In cases of shared custody, it allows you to make rational decisions about whether or not the narcissist’s emails or voice mails truly need a response or if their communications are a trap. A good rule of thumb is to only communicate using yes, no, and specific dates and times.

You can further avoid falling into the Narcissistic Vortex by not responding to any jabs that are made regarding your parenting style or lifestyle choices. A good example of the Vortex is their mentioning something about your dealings with the children or the fact that you’ve begun dating again, and your subsequently sending them email tsunamis explaining your actions or becoming ensued in a long texting crusade–and before you know it, hours of your day have been wasted.

The self-sabotaging version of Gray Rock

Frequently, abuse victims consider themselves as having employed the Gray Rock method when really they’ve gone No Response, neither of which should be utilized except for the two situations previously mentioned (which is when Modified or Low Contact is required). Often, this is a self-sabotaging behavior that victims use in order to leave the door open for the narcissist, hoping there might be that one time the narcissist has The Divine Epiphany and makes lasting improvements as a partner.

Subconsciously or deliberately, Gray Rock is regularly used as a shoo-in for No Response and used interchangeably with No Contact. If the Narcissist is able to get in touch with you by phone, cell, email, and/or social media, this is No Response, and it’s one of the primary reasons why victims of narcissistic abuse remain stuck in their abusive relationships far beyond practical limits.

(Don’t feel judged, I did it, too, but there does come a time when you’ll want to cease these self-sabotaging behaviors so you can move forward ).

If you are not married and trying to end a relationship with a Narcissist, then the best strategy is to have NO CONTACT with him or her. You end the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up an addiction. No Contact means the narcissist or psychopath can’t get in touch with you. Those who implement No Contact in its true form have a much higher chance of detaching, healing, and realizing happiness.

On the other hand, No Response means you allow them to call, text, or email, and you decide whether or not to respond. Those who implement No Response usually stay enmeshed in the hypnotic influence of the Narcissistic Vortex, remaining stuck in dysfunctional patterns with the Narcissist years after the so-called “end” of the relationship. Typically, this leads to existing as a secondary source of supply and being the fall back when relationship dramas arise with the narcissist’s other partners. (And yes, it’s possible he or she may try to call from a blocked or unknown number, but that isn’t a valid reason to leave lines of communication open).

What to do: No Contact is hard because it’s accepting that the relationship over. It means admitting it wasn’t based on love, but on control and manipulation. Accept that the Narcissist will NOT change. Give up trying to find potential loopholes in the narcissist’s behaviors in hopes of finding ways the relationship could have worked or what you could have done differently to make them wake up and love you.

If you do share custody or work with the Narcissist, then Gray Rock is your best line of attack. It allows you to stop being manipulated into taking responsibility for things that weren’t your fault to begin with."

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