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I was doing better today. I went to classes. I read. I was p

KangarooRat's picture
[3285]

I was doing better today. I went to classes. I read. I was proving to myself and the world how strong I am. I was doing it.
I wasn't doing it perfectly -- sounds were unfiltered and booming, and I felt like I needed to scream for most of the day -- but I was doing it nonetheless.

Then in the latter half of my Latin Lit class, just a half hour ago, the professor shifted the conversation to sexual assault + authors in the context of #MeToo.
I wanted to leave. The conversation was full of scarring terminology that when uttered twisted a knife in my vitals. I NEEDED to leave, but I couldn't. I didn't want to "out" myself, I didn't want to make my lovely professor feel bad, and I didn't want to give up. I had made the plan to go to classes today/to get back into myself, and I was determined.
But now I regret it. Something feels dislodged inside of me, something I JUST put back into place. I want to scream.
My feelings this time are more red. I'm angry at myself, at everything. I have this undirected hatred. Before, my screams were for myself, for help, to express a myriad of emotion that needed to be expressed. Now they're directed and seething, and I don't know how to deal with that. Scared and angry don't seem to pair well.

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initwithyou61's picture
[3645]
Oct 11

Sorry you are having a hard time. People can be so insensitive sometimes without even realizing it. If your professor hasn't gone through it, she doesn't understand how hurtful that could be.
The whole Bret Kavanaugh thing has really triggered a lot of stuff for me. I was abused a long time ago by 2 guys close in age to me. I don't know why Bret's accuser came forth now. I can't imagine doing what she did all these years later. Anyway, as I said, it has just opened up a lot of stuff wounds and memories.
Do you journal? Writing has been very helpful in my healing.
Do you have any outlets for your emotions? Like painting, doing crafts or making things? Having a creative outlet has been very helpful for me. It forces me to focus on something beautiful and constructive, instead of dwelling on the past, the pain and the hurt.

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KangarooRat's picture
[3285]
Oct 11

@stupid.girl Thank you <3 Knowing I am not alone helps a lot. Knowing that MeToo is a common trigger helps too. I was feeling stupid and like I was overreacting for a second there, but I'm really not. It is how these things work, huh?
I am sorry you feel angry and empty too. I hate it. I just hate it.

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KangarooRat's picture
[3285]
Oct 11

@initwithyou61 Thank you for your reply! I don't want to call her insensitive, but maybe she was a little. I think the conversation that resulted was so important, but she really should have sent out an email or something. I think I will let her know during our anonymous professor feedback forms.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. The news/the world right now is just trigger happy for us. I have to actively avoid everything because everything makes me raw. I'm sorry. I hope she can get some justice for what happened. It's horrible.
I do journal! And I've noticed some of my journaling happens on here. I have a notebook, which I write in frequently, but sometimes writing on here has the same effect, if not better because of the replies.
I've discovered and accepted cooking/baking for friends as that outlet. I like what you said about focusing on something beautiful and constructive. That makes sense to me. Especially when I really want it to be amazing because it is for my amazing friends.
Thank you for the reply and support <3

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